creative sadist

Tired, grumpy, bratty all describe my behavior the other evening on my way to ladies game night and it continued through-out the whole evening. When I thought about why I was feeling this way, the first thing that came to mind was that feeling of coming down after a high. The high in my case is all the bdsm events/activities, how they make me feel and how I think about it all the time, it can be consuming.

I also realized this was a similar high and crash as before, during and after the holidays. It causes stress, fatigue, unrealistic expectations, financial stress, sadness, inability to be with family or friends, unable to cope with demands. I see it all the time with my clients, friends and family. For 3 month’s people will put themselves under tremendous stress to make the holidays perfect (unrealistic expectations) and forget what it’s really about…being together. 

My prescription is to increase the amount of hugs I give out during the holidays. This will benefit me and others. Did you know when hug, we receive a jolt of oxytocin –known as the “love or cuddle” hormone. This hormonal surge helps us bond with the person we are hugging. There is a transfer of positive energy from one human to the other and we feel safer and supported. There are studies that have shown that a twenty second hug reduces the harmful and physical effects of stress, including its impact on your blood pressure and heart rate. 

Table play time began with him methodically laying out each of the items he would be using. Draping the the table & floor with plastic. He later told me as he prepared the space he felt a surge of energy throughout his body. I waited in the other room naked, my mind beginning to wonder what was next. He led me to the table, put on a blindfold and had me lie face down. My wrists and ankles were bound and tied to the table.

He began warming up using a paddle and different types of floggers. Then came the hot wax candles that he began dripping all along my back and legs. Each drip stung as it came down and if I hadn’t been restrained I would have jumped off the table after the first few drops. Being restrained/blindfolded also helped me go deeper into the pain. Several days later I could still feel light burning sensations. At some point he placed a wand toy between my legs making me cum. Our play was cut short because of impending visitors so he used his knife tool to remove the dots of wax, which was an interesting sensation.

So happy I got to experience wax play and apparently he enjoyed the creativity of it so much that he wants to get more for another time.

submissive’s love

PS it took me several days to write this post and it is completely different than my original thought because real life interfered with my creative flow.


I consent to giving myself to him willingly because I trust him. I want to be wrapped his sadistic arms, my mind shutting out everything else, focused only on what he is doing to me. I find myself wanting, needing, craving this in some form when we are together.

His sadism may include scratching, clawing, biting, flogging, caning, tickling, choking, hair pulling, pinning me down, spanking, verbal humiliation, being naked, restrained, forced against my will (which encompasses a multitude of things), rough play, etc.

I want to please him, so I move into the pain he gives me, I move into him knowing he will hurt me. Afterwards he holds me and tells me I’m a good girl, making me want more. It’s intimately exquisite because my pain is his pleasure.

submissive’s love

Sadist: a person who derives pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others. Sadism is not the same thing as cruelty, nor does it imply any form of empathy impairment. It is the condition of feeling pleasure of some sort in response to another’s pain.


My ass is burning from our time together.

The party was alright but nothing thrilling. Never in a million years did I expect that seeing other naked kinkster’s play with whips, floggers, rope, etc. would be something I would describe as average. Maybe its me/us but we both agreed that it wasn’t as exciting as we thought it would be, sort of the same old. I also noticed that the lighting on the other side of the club was really bad and the energy of the room felt off. The side of the club where we began was lit like a night club with couches and a bar. I could have fucked him on that couch but here’s the crazy thing, it would have offended the other kinsters. They like to keep their play separate from sex and we probably wouldn’t have been invited to anything else in the future, so I was on my best behavior.

The night for me was more about pushing my own limits, dressing in fetish wear. Taking off the dress I wore over my outfit, because we couldn’t draw attention as we crossed the parking lot of a strip mall to the swingers club in the corner that they had rented for the night. It took me about an hour to get up my nerve but I did it and he told me how sexy I looked (he looked very handsome in his black suit). That hour gave me a chance to get used to new surroundings and make sure that it felt right. Not only did I do it but we walked around together, watching scenes, chatting with others and no one thought I was dressed strangely, if anything I probably had on too much clothing.

Another kinky thing crossed off the list. On a positive note a house party is our next goal and we are adding electricity and bondage tape to our drawer of goodies.

We stayed until midnight and couldn’t wait to get home to play. He stripped me down and grabbed his cane, hence the burning ass today.

fetish party wear

submissive’s love


We are going to a play party this weekend with over a 100 people. We are play partners and I am under his protection so we discussed about how we would present ourselves during the party. The toys are packed up, ready to go and my collar and leash have been added in case we want to use them. I’m excited about the party, the most difficult choices have been what to wear. Its Beyond 50 Shades of Grey, fetish wear or black, no jeans, shorts or flip flops. Tomorrow will be the hunt for some type of shoe (I hate shopping at the store, unfortunately its too late for online – oh joy).

Last night was intense and almost didn’t happen but it afterward it made me think about subspace. Originally I thought subspace there was only one way to experience the feeling. Flying was the description: result of a series of chemical and emotional loads released into the body during play over an extended period of time. The results are similar to descriptions of an out of body experience and are often interpreted as spiritual. Some have described it as being hallucinogenic/hypnotic/floating outside of themselves, sometimes referred to as endorphin shock, some have even passed out.

But I found that confusing since I knew I had/have that feeling of floating, my mind really feeling everything, unaware of my surroundings, loss of time and unable to control my reactions, becoming his puppet. His touch becomes so overwhelming that all I can do is move into every sensation, until he decides he’s had enough. When he finishes taking from me all that he needs, I immediately get cold and tired. He will wrap me up in a blanket and hold me until I am back to myself.

After some research I learned there were different levels that could be described as the journey to subspace and not everyone experiences it the same. That is what I have experienced, like a ladder with different rungs.

Kinkly explains Subspace

The journey toward subspace, which occurs as a result of pain play, has a range of identifiable levels, both physical and mental. The first stage, in which the sub might tease or provoke the Dom, is often termed SAM (smart assed masochist) space. It is a light-hearted entry into subspace. Next comes a period that some call “blonde space.” During this stage, the sub may behave absentmindedly, forgetting commands and even speech. They might start to become emotional. In the next phase, the sub is highly sensitive to touch. In this sexually-heightened state, orgasms can even occur without touch. The sub may behave in a primal fashion. When the high is over and the sub is coming down, they will often feel cold, incoherent, and sleepy. During this phase, the sub requires emotional and physical reassurance known as aftercare.

Subspace is common in two key scenarios. The first occurs when a submissive experiences pain administered by their dominant in a BDSM scene. Instead of using the safe word, the sub may begin to disassociate and step out of their body. In this experience, the sub’s body fights the pain with hormones and endorphins.

In the other, more psychological scenario, the sub’s mind alters due to intense pleasure caused by interaction with the Dom. A surge of epinephrine, endorphins, and enkephalins combine to create a euphoric sensation that numbs any pain.

A sub is unlikely to make rational decisions about his or her safety or well being while in subspace. It’s vital that the Dom care for the welfare of the sub at this time.

submissive’s love


What a weekend, full of highs and not so high. I finally went to a grief group meeting that left me drained emotionally. All I wanted to do was take a nap afterwards and I didn’t even share that much. I feel like just being with others who understood allowed me to just feel a release of emotions and not have to explain why I was upset.

The next day I attended an OM class by mistake. What I mean is I thought I was going to the pre-class to find out more about the practice and 30 min prior I called to ask a question, only to discover that it the actual class. Panic set in so I reached out to Sir for some reassurance. He talked me through as I drove to the class, he was excited for me and proud that I was going to experience something new even though he was unable to attend.

The class was at a local yoga studio, run by a woman I met at a kinky event. There were 12 attending, half came with a partner and the other half were paired up at the end. Even though most of her classes can be full of vanilla people, this particular one was an all kink group. Which in my opinion made it a little better, more open and fun. There were little games, question and answer periods, all designed to make us more relaxed. Towards the end of the 5 hr session the instructors performed a demonstration of OM.

This practice is all about the woman, the goddess and her pleasure. The man provides a nest which consists of a 3 pillows for the head & legs, yoga mat with a sheet, small wash cloth, lubricant, yoga bolster for the stroker to sit on. One of the two ask if the other wants to OM and you are under no obligation to say yes but if you do then the other person says thank you.

The woman gets in the nest with her legs in the butterfly position, then the stroker (which could be a woman or a man) asks if he can stand over her, she says yes and he says thank you. The whole ritual is very polite. He then sits to her right side on the yoga bolster with his left leg over her mid section and the right leg tucked under the her leg. He then asks if he may touch her and she says yes, he says thank you.

He begins to touch her thighs to ground both of them. After this while keeping contact with her, he puts on his gloves with lubricant on the left hand. The right hand is placed under the butt cheeks and the thumb rests against the perineum. He then begins to stroke upward, the size of a pencil eraser, in the upper right area of the clitoris. As this goes on the woman gives guidance to the man (higher, lower, firm, etc) and all he does is say thank you while making the adjustment. This goes on for a total of 15 minutes and there are more steps but this is the basic overview.

The guy who asked me to OM was clumsy, used too much lube and kept stopping and starting. But in his defense, imagine yourself at a class where you have to learn something new, the instructor is standing over you and you are trying to figure it out. I personally think he had never stroked a vagina but who knows. Needless to say I didn’t achieve orgasm but really there isn’t a goal in this process, orgasm is just extra benefit. I was shocked at how relaxed I was lying on the floor with a stranger stroking my pussy along with 5 other couples and 2 instructors. Especially when I wasn’t even supposed to be there.

Now that I have completed this course, I will be able to attend OM events, make plans to OM with others (anywhere around the world) and hopefully attend a session with Sir so he can learn the technique. Really he gives me enough orgasms (giggle) but this would be great if I was not in a relationship, just for that orgasmic release.

Gives a whole new meaning to, I’m going to yoga class (wink).

submissive’s love

Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a unique wellness practice that combines mindfulness with the power of the deeply human, deeply felt experience of Orgasm.
OM puts you in touch with your body and your sexuality. During the practice, one person strokes another person’s clitoris for 15 minutes with no goal other than to feel the sensation. OM is:

  1. Safe
  2. Systematic — always done in the same way
  3. Goalless — You don’t need to get anywhere
  4. Intimate –- Done with two people


Welcome to my darkness, I been here a while
It’s gonna be a long night
Oh, I’ll drain your life ’til there’s
Nothing left but your blood shot eyes
Oh, I’ll take my time ’til I show you how I feel inside

I can be your reckless, you can be my stain
I can be your heartache, you can be my shame
When you’re feeling reckless, when you’re feeling chained
When there’s nothing left but pain

Welcome to my dark side
We’re gonna have a good time

submissive’s love


He made that perfectly clear as he made this slut cum over and over again. He pinned me to the couch, both hands taking what he wanted. His control and force was intoxicating. It was fucking amazing and I’m still humming, wanting to be used again by him.

Happy Halloween to all you kinky perv’s!

submissive’s love


Part of my business is lifting others up, encouraging them to take better care of themselves physically and mentally, be the best they can be. When I connect with someone they are part of my life forever, even those who don’t stay long. But while they are with me I want them to leave them feeling empowered to be better, help them realize they deserve more, that they deserve to be happy. When you leave an appointment with me I offer a goddess card. I tell them to choose the one or more that speaks to them and I encourage them to take a picture because it may mean something now or later. This small gesture is a way for them to remind themselves they are special and worthy of receiving more. Just a small way of offering encouragement to those who may have forgotten or get bogged down in their day to day routine.

We have a complex relationship and I encourage him to talk about all things personal, digging into his childhood and years of complex relationships. I want him to see his true self, be successful, happy and get everything he deserves out of life. I want him to experience the darkest parts of himself, feeling love, pain and ecstasy, even when he denies me an orgasm because it brings him satisfaction.

He breathes in the energy between us, calls me his slut but when we are holding each other he calls me his muse.

submissive’s love

The Muses were the nine Greek goddesses who presided over the arts (including music) and literature. A shrine to the Muses was called in Latin a museum. An artist or poet about to begin work would call on his particular Muse to inspire him, and a poem itself might begin with such a call; thus, Homer’s Odyssey begins, “Sing to me of the man, Muse” (that is, of Odysseus). Today a muse may be one’s special creative spirit, but some artists and writers have also chosen living human beings to serve as their muses.

pain play

He’s so cute when he gets a new toy, just like kid who get’s a rubber ball out of the quarter machine. I know this because my grand kids were so excited to get those balls out of the Old Navy machine. I trust and respond to him like no other man before. He is able to bring out my passionate side and mix it with my dark dirty side. So when he shows up with something new to play with, I am all in for the adventure. We also used the leash again, watching tv, only wearing my collar while he held the leash, until it was time to lead me into the bedroom. There is something so erotic and taboo about it, being led by him, knowing he owns me right then. I look forward to our playtime together, the combination of sexual passion mixed with a darker type of play. Having this in my life right now would make it impossible to be in a vanilla relationship, I need this as much as I need air to breathe.

I need his hand on the back of my neck, pushing me into the bed as he reaches between my legs to take what he wants. I am at his mercy, never knowing what he will do next. I’m only allowed to cum when we are together so I am not above begging for an orgasm from him. He loves to hear me beg and react to being used by him, like music to his ears.

I’m not sure what its called but its more of a hypnotic thuddy type toy, a warm up for heavier play. The next day I still felt the impact it made on my back, even though it never hurt. The bare handed spanking I received afterwards definitely hurt but in a good way. Which makes me ask the question, am I just getting used to more pain in our play?

submissive’s love